she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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