Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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