I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
