Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize