did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
