At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
He shit in the fireplace
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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