Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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