Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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