i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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