I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
third nipple confirmed
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
