...so i touched it.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
