my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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