R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
