you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
