I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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