Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
