i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
