I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
