burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
