Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
