you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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