I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
