I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
