You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm getting married
To pizza
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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