I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize