the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize