So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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