walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
