Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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