Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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