I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
