Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
