When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
