Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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