Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
