my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
