I can't breathe out the right side of my face
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
