Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
