So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
