I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
