hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm experimenting with sincerity
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
