4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
