you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
