Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize