I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Randomize
