my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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