Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Randomize
