You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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