Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
