I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
