i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
