he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
