I wannas sexs uuuuu
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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