I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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