It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
