Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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