Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
