If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
